watch

I want to say
you’re not worth it anymore
but my mouth won’t open
and my tongue won’t move.

I want to yell and scream and dance
young and sweet, only seventeen
but the mirror is watching
and my feet won’t cooperate.

I watch you
not watching me.
Watch you
watching him
watching her
watching them.
Watching everybody else
and for once

I want to laugh, flirt, be the centre of attention,
and then you will watch
but you are not watching

and my feet will not move.

midnight movies

i've got things to tell you,
things to talk about
that only you could understand
right now.
but i have an itchy feeling round my neck
that says you don't want to hear.

and i open my hotmail-
but i can't.
i just can't.
because i can't stand
knowing what you'll think
when you open it.

will you look at the sender
and laugh?
and leave it unopened for days
until you read it,
snorting derisively,
with some other girl standing
behind your shoulder?
never paying any attention
to my jokes
or sarcastic comments?

i'm afraid you will.

and then, probably,
you will go onto your blog
and post about how lonely
you are.
and doubtless
i will feel bad.

i cut something out of the paper
for you
today. will
i ever show you?

oh you've made me so
mad now
that i can't even listen
to music
which you know,
so i'm stuck listening
to The Subways
of all people

who i don't even like.

me

perhaps i'm happy the way i am

watch

I'm going to bed with the curtains open tonight. I did it for weeks a few years back, when my curtains were being replaced, and I loved it so much that when my curtains came back I left them open anyhow. Kind of seems a waste of new curtains, but...
It's kind of a comforting feeling, seeing the sky, and tonight it is pink, even though it's almost midnight. It's a kind of pink which has never seemed strange to me, but I've come to realise it's a colour unique to Auckland's clouds, and only ever straight after a thunderstorm, in the middle of the night.
I truly love thunderstorms, and the clap clap clap flash flash flash. Thunderstorms for me are always a very alone time, although I know for others that's totally untrue, but it's a very comforting alone feeling. The kind of feeling where you know you're alone watching the sky, but that so is everyone else. In a way you manage to feel completely alone but connected to everyone you love simultaneously.
I love the idea that everyone is watching the same scene from a different angle, like the sky is one great big screen, one movie on which everyone has a different take, and yet there can be no reviews.

must be love

i'll not wait for you
when i finally get ahead.

i'll think about it though-
take comfort in that.

explanation

i was last in Australia at christmastime,
mid-summer and boiling hot

and yet i insisted on wearing
my grey tracksuit cardigan
all the time.

cosidering the temperature,
nobody could understand it,
and i had no explanation.

my mother just kept repeating that i had been the one
to watch my grandmother die
two days earlier.

although what that explains
i'll never know.

hope

i'll not miss you this time.
how i promise,
how sad it is.

i'll not miss you this time.
but the minute i return
it all slides back,

to rack
and ruin.